Thursday, January 9, 2014

CHANGE!

Change

1change

verb \ˈchānj\
: to become different
: to make (someone or something) different
: to become something else


It also the name of the song that woke me up one day and inspired me.  The song "Change" by Richie Kotzen, who everyone knows is my all-time favorite singer, songwriter, guitarist, and musician, EVER.PERIOD.HANDS DOWN. END OF STORY!!

Here is the album cover, lyrics and song:



Richie Kotzen - Change (lyrics)

You keep runnin' but there's no escape
You try move but you're lying in the way
You look around and all your friends have been through what your doin'
And your doin' it all thinkin'

Everything is gonna change
But life ain't gonna wait you can fight it but you know it
Never will change ain't nothin' gonna change till you change

Your goin' out tonight been up two days
Your dead inside but your still awake
You walk around and everybody's tellin' you beautiful
And your doin' it all thinkin'

Everything is gonna change
But life ain't gonna wait you can fight it but you know it
Never will change ain't nothin' gonna change
Till you change
So far away from your home, no voice of reason, completely alone
You know your shadow won't keep you warm

Everything is gonna change
But life ain't gonna wait you can fight it but you know it
Never will change ain't nothin' gonna change till you change




Now that we got the inspiration out of the way, we can get back to the point!  On with the show.....


Back in mid-2011, I found myself in a horrendous funk.  I was haunted by some things that went down in my personal life a year and a half prior, I was miserable at work but later discovered it wasn't works fault, I was just miserable and looking to blame something else besides myself, and my health was quickly going down the shitter.  I did not care, I'd go to sleep hoping I'd wake up dead if you get my drift!  I avoided everyone and anything.  I wasn't eating and just survived on Pepsi!  I am a lover of live music and would find any excuse not to drive a few hours to see some of my favorite artists. I WAS NOT MYSELF, DID NOT LIKE MYSELF BUT WAS TO LAZY TO FIX MYSELF!  I GAVE UP!

Luckily, others wouldn't let me give up or give up on me.  Two ladies at work (Glennda aka Momma G & Pearl) noticed something wasn't right, they noticed the physical but not the mental.  One would help fix the other though. I had lost over 130 pounds in three months time, was sweating like a whore in church constantly, was extremely lethargic and horribly weak!  I noticed everything but the massive weight loss, I just did not give a shit, the quicker I woke up dead, the better!  They insisted I get to the doctor ASAP, I balked at the idea until Glennda threatened to call my Dad.....works every time!  Grrrr! 

Begrudgingly I went to the doctor who sent me to the hospital for tests after their blood sugar test came back saying "HIGH" which meant by blood sugar level was too high for their device to read.  Long story short, my blood sugar level was over 700 and the A1C test showed I had tested 14+ for at least the previous three months.  My pancreas was shutting down.  There was talk of life-flighting me to Wichita, I fought that.....I don't have twenty grand for them to waste, then came talk of putting me in the hospital here, I fought that too....what is the point, you are gonna pump me full of water and insulin, I can do that myself at home!  And I did!  Yes, I am a cheap stubborn son-of-a-bitch!

After a week of pills, shots and water, I was feeling pretty damned good.  The physical was taking care of the mental & I looked damn good after dropping all that weight!  I had an abudance of energy and loving life again!  I'd done quit the Pepsi diet before I was sent to the doctor, I was not only eating but eating better/healthier than ever, and was more active!

As Jesse James Dupree said "Here I am, back again, bigger than life & twice as ugly!!!"

All was groovy for a year or so, I felt great, did ALOT of traveling, met some cool new folks, re-connected with some dear people from my past who I had drifted from because I didn't want them to see me how I was, saw countless concerts over five states, you name, I was doing it!

Fast forward to 2013 and some old demons crept back into my brain, bad habits had returned and my nephew had come to live with me in 2012 because his parents suck!  He reminds me daily why I never wanted kids!  I cannot understand how someone can be so fucking unmotivated to become independent and would rather sit in the dark and play XBox Live all day n' night long with the rest of their virgin friends whispering sweet nothings into their headsets!!?!?!   

I am sick and tired of being kept up or woke up by his XBox induced tourettes fits.  I asked him numerous times to knock shit off, in one ear and out the other my requests go!  I recently bought a hammer and told him I'd smash the XBox to bits if he kept it up, DID NOT WORK!  I refuse to pay him $300+ to replace that fucking XBox if I blast it in a fit of rage so alive it stays!  I will give him credit, he does work, the rest of his time is spent yelling obscenities at his bigscreen TV and that stupid XBox!

My best friend and his family FINALLY moved back to Kansas after being in Missouri for ten years or so and I was visiting them quite a bit during the summer.  I had some health issues with hernias that were due to be fixed pretty soon but had to clear a roadblock due to a pre-surgery funky EKG reading.  Off to the Kansas Heart Hospital for weeks of testing only to discover all I had was a case of 'great insurance-itis'!  

People wonder why I dis-trust doctors sooooooo much, that heart episode and the aftermath of my hernias surgery iced the cake of my distrust!  I had the surgery to fix my hernias and never saw that doctor again, he didn't even have the courtesy to come to my room after I came out from under the good drugs they gave me.  I developed an infection in the incisions so I'd have to make the 120 mile round trip trek to his office three times in a month & the asshole never once looked at it himself!  One time he cancelled my appointment while I sat in their waiting room! DICK!  You can bet your ass they made sure I got the bills right away!

Dr. Pepper had replaced Pepsi but not at the volume of the Pepsi addiction was,  I started putting weight back on, my energy level had dipped alot and I was no longer traveling as much as I could.  I avoided having people over mainly because my house looked like an episode of hoarders.  I've had stuff in storage since 2005/2006 that I finally got back between my trips to Missouri and Josh moving back.  Until my nephew moved in, they were in his room, now they cluttered up my living room and my bedroom where I only had a path to walk through them.  I was completely embarrassed to let anyone in for fear of them calling the A&E Network on me!  I was reverting back to the 2011 me!  

For the majority of 2013, I sat at home avoiding everything again.  About six months ago I went through a point where my anxiety was overpowering me, I recognized what it was doing to me and I caved in, asked for help and began taking meds for it.  It made a big difference but something was still wrong. 

For the better part of 25 years I've battled crippling depression, sure I'd been on meds a few times as a kid and adult, most made me feel like a zombie so I ditched them and moved on.  The time has come where I know I need to do something about this depression, it is the root of all my evil dare I say!  It causes these horrible almost crippling funks, the laziness, the sitting in the dark avoiding everything, and all around not wanting to do anything but sleep!

I know what I have to do so I've been researching anti-depression meds, their effects both good and bad, and will be seeing a REAL doctor soon to get on something. Meds are not the be-all-end-all answer but they can take the edge off and provide help.

In late December as I sat listening to Richie Kotzen's "Change" album, alot of things came into focus!  I NEEDED TO CHANGE THINGS IN MY SURROUNDINGS THAT BRING ME DOWN & I NEED TO CHANGE ME!!!  

I am working on the more water n' iced tea and less Dr. Pepper thing, more grilled chicken salads n' less double cheeseburgers (that one is easy because I love a great salad!) and trying to be more active but my stomach pains haven't stopped since surgery so I am trying to get the asshole surgeon to refer me to another doctor to see if he screwed something up but he insists on seeing me first!  FUCK YOU!  

I dove head first back into my love of the Green Bay Packers and thanks to NFL Sunday Ticket, I never missed a game!!!  I unpacked SOME of my Packers paraphernalia to display in the house!  My Packers lost in the 1st round of the playoffs this past weekend after an extremely tough season but I am as proud as ever of them!  GO PACK GO!!!

I've also started going through the rest of the boxes/totes and rediscovering a ton of music that I forgot I owned!  That spurred me to start buying shelves to house them instead of boxes n' totes!  
I have been in that house 5 1/2 years, dontcha think it is time to completely unpack and make it feel like a home!  Slowly but surely, it is becoming MY home, a few more steps and I will have reclaimed it as such!

On Tuesday, I cut my hair off and donated it to Green Bay Packers Linebacker AJ Hawk's charity "Hawk's Locks For Kids".  I was sick of dealing with hair down to my ass and figured it was time for a change of energy sorta-speak!  Plus, it goes to help a kid, you can't get any better than that IMO!

Check AJ Hawk's charirty out at....


 Hawk's Locks For Kids




On Saturday, January 18th, several of my dearest friends and I will be meeting up in Wichita for the Wichita Blues Ball featuring my Soul Brutha Anthony Gomes!!  I am stoked for this!

Things are looking up thanks to C-H-A-N-G-E!!

Cheers~
Crash



2 comments:

  1. Glad you are turning things around! Rock On \m/

    ReplyDelete
  2. Pulling on my heartstrings here. Glad to see things CHANGE for the good. Keep it up. You still have my #.

    ReplyDelete